10 truths about motherhood no one talks about

Today being Mother’s Day, my social media feed is inundated with photos, thank you notes and lovely anecdotes. While we celebrate the joys of motherhood, sometimes, it’s equally important to talk about the hard truths about motherhood.

I had once asked a friend of mine who had just given birth to a baby girl, “How does it feel to become a mother?” She replied, “It feels like a storm has hit me.”

At that time, I was in an advanced stage of pregnancy and thought my friend was grossly exaggerating. I thought, “How bad could it be?” I had already hired a nanny, had read up books and made Dr Spock my manual, taken advice from colleagues and friends, who were moms. I smirked and thought I have been managing a career, handled adverse situations with a cool head, have been the support system for my parents, so how tough could it be handling a baby?

My son is 14 now and even today I feel that my friend couldn’t have defined motherhood more aptly. It’s like a Category 5 hurricane that hits you and turns your life topsy-turvy. Whether you are an adoptive mother or a biological mother, you will inevitably feel like you are suddenly thrown into a situation about which you have no clue.

So here are 10 truths about motherhood that no one talks about:   

1. You can never prepare for motherhood

For an exam or an interview, we can work on some expected questions and expected answers. But a baby doesn’t really come with a manual. You have to constantly figure out your baby. For instance, every book, every channel, I watched said that new-born babies should be swaddled comfortably and only then can they sleep well.

On the 3^rd day on this earth, my son made it clear that he hated swaddling. I don’t know how he communicated that to me and how I understood. So much so, that he also made it clear that he didn’t like the romper suits that ended in socks. He wanted his feet free. I realised that even I always stuck my feet out from below a blanket, because I felt uncomfortable otherwise. Perhaps he was communicating the same feeling. I was right.

Needless to say, apart from figuring out your child, it’s also a time when you have to figure out yourself in the midst of extreme exhaustion and sleep deprivation. The hormones are haywire at this point too.

Some women become over protective and anxious, some just keep craving for this storm to end so that they can go back to their old routine and some even slip into post-partum depression.

And once the baby and toddler phase is over, every phase of growing up brings new challenges that you have to keep navigating constantly. Reading up and discussing with like-minded friends does help, but your relationship with your child will always be unique and your motherhood journey, different from others.  

2. Mothers are imperfect, accept it

It really makes me glad that on International Women’s Day this year, the drift was towards the fact that women can’t be Superwomen and I feel mothers should not even try. Life changes post motherhood and you have to accept and embrace that with happiness.

Before my son was born, I had an impeccable home with the carpet in place, cushions set up in the right angles, clothes folded and stacked properly and the kitchen looking immaculate.

That home transformed when my son was 2-3 years old. The carpet was strewn with toys all the time. Soft toys and books were thrown all over sofas. Unfolded clothes were sitting on the dining chair. I was sitting on the rocking chair in one corner of the room working on a laptop keeping one eye on the screen and another on the son, who was playing happily on the carpet.

That’s when the bell rang, and a friend’s daughter walked in. She stood there for some time taking in the scene and then asked me very politely, “Aunty, where should I sit?” I burst out laughing and still laugh when I think of that day.

I didn’t take too much pressure in keeping my home tidy, knowing it was a futile effort to do so with a toddler around. I used the energy instead to do my work well or look after my son. I accepted my untidy home and that hasn’t made me a lesser mortal in any way.

My home hasn’t got back its pre-motherhood glory since we have a teen around. But now, when the doorbell rings, I have a pair of teen hands that help me quickly make the house presentable, in five minutes. I guess being imperfect has its perks.

 

3.  Not all women are wired to be mothers

It is a myth that all women are dying to experience motherhood and no woman feels complete if they are not mothers. The truth is not all women are interested to experience motherhood. In earlier decades, women were not allowed that choice, so many were forced into motherhood that has often had extreme impact on their children.

For instance, I know about moms who never hugged their children, moms who stayed away for years from their children to pursue a career or moms who never wanted the custody rights of the children during a divorce.

Now that there is a choice, many women are staying single or even if they are getting married, they are choosing to be childfree. I have immense respect for these women. Because they are perhaps far more aware of what motherhood entails. So they are making an informed decision.     

4. Child-free women can give excellent motherly advice

“Unless you become a mom you won’t know” – this is an oft repeated phrase in our society. This can’t be more wrong. You will see some people, both men and women, love children; they have a natural instinct to understand them. That’s why many of them are very successful in professions that involve children.

I have got the best parenting advice from a very close friend who is not a mother. But she held my hand during my entire pregnancy, pampered me, understood my emotional upheavals, was there for me at the hospital when my son was born, and has taught me to deal with my child with compassion and empathy. Even now when I need advice, I call her because I know she will be able to put things into perspective and guide me in the right direction.

Also, I have seen child-free women are very generous with their affection, they can shower love on their nephews, nieces or be guides and mentors to their friends’ children. They do establish long-term fulfilling relationship with children without being their biological mothers.

You can also check: “Why I choose to be childfree” – Suchismita Dasgupta – Amrita Speaks    

5.  What a mom can do, a dad can do too

We hear the statement, “balancing work and motherhood” but have you heard the term “balancing work and fatherhood”? If a mother is working then both parents need to do equal balancing. Except for breastfeeding, there really isn’t anything that a dad can’t do. Wait! To think of it, nowadays, dads can actually use bottle-feeding straps to feed babies and keep them in the right position.

The thin line demarcating gender roles is actually becoming obscure with every passing day and involved dads are balancing fatherhood, chores and work commitments with as much dexterity as mothers are. And also, if mothers do this out of love for their child, there is no reason to presume fathers don’t feel the same. My husband always fed my son dinner after he came home from work. He did it because he enjoyed it, not because he had to do it.

Recently, I was working with a gentleman on a project, who very categorically told me that he works from home while his wife goes to office. So, he works his schedule around his 3-year-old daughter and told me the time frame when he is available over a phone call and the time, he is busy looking after his daughter.

Even a decade back, especially in India, if he had told the same he ran the risk of not landing many projects. But now, it is a given that a father can have as important a role in his child’s life as the mother.  

6. Pregnancy discrimination in the workplace is a hard truth about motherhood

This is one touchy topic that no one discusses. If you talk to working women, you will know about the kind of discrimination that many have had to face. I once met an old school friend who had become a big businessman and we were talking about the challenges women face at work. Then he told me: “That’s why we don’t want to employ women. They first take a long break to have the baby then after a few months they want to leave the job.”

I was in shock hearing him and then I realised this is a reality. He had uttered the blatant truth, but many people follow it but don’t talk about it. A journalist in fact, lost her job because she was pregnant, and she went to court for that. You can read the story here.

Many women will tell you that they might be excellent at their job, getting top ratings in their appraisals and great hikes for their consistent performance, but as soon they announce their pregnancy, in the workplace, there’s a sudden shift in people’s attitude towards them. As the pregnancy advances, they might not be able to do as much legwork or might be taking a few leaves for check-ups. Instantly, their professionalism and commitment are questioned, upcoming promotions stalled and sometimes the situation becomes so severe that they are literally forced to join work within months of giving birth because there is a veiled threat that they would lose their jobs, if they don’t get back quickly.

Do check this video:

A Short Film on Maternity Leave | Pregnancy | Women Rights | Working Mom | Why Not | Life Tak (youtube.com)

Even if they join, the aspersions continue because her need to leave work on time to be with the baby is seen as a weakness, and if she takes leave because the child is unwell, it is often seen as a sign that she is becoming unprofessional.

A woman can stick to her aspirations in the workplace only if she gets an empathetic boss and compassionate, supportive colleagues, who understand that a huge shift has happened in her life both physically and mentally and she would need some time to get back to her 100 per cent.

In a cut-throat world, that does not always happen. In that case, a solid support system at home is a must. She has to know that everything is taken care of back home, only then she can work with a free mind and be the professional she always was.

7. After becoming a mom, you will never get your old life back

This is one hard truth about motherhood. That carefree life of doing what you wish to do will never come back. Your life will always revolve around your child, whether you are an at-home mom or a working mom.

I remember my weekends earlier. I could be in bed all day binge-watching movies on TV and just stepping into the kitchen to catch a quick lunch. I could sleep for 12 hours, sometimes more. I could be on the flight on a short notice for work assignments. On weekdays, I could walk out of office and walk into a movie theatre, café or a nightclub. I could spend hours at the mall browsing through books or just sitting in a café reading one.

I still do that – sit in a café and read my Kindle. But that’s at a time when the son is attending a sports or activity class and I am catching up on my me time. Not that I ever regret this change.

I do still spend time at a bookshop, sometimes with my son, meet my friends in a café and we travel together as a family now.

Can your friends drop in at 11 pm for a whole night adda session? Heck no! There’s school tomorrow.

Also read: When dyslexia threatened to ruin his life, how Vedatman’s parents and teachers stood by him to change his destiny

8. Breastfeeding is not an easy process

You have seen a friend do it, you have seen it in the movies, you have seen the lady in the flight calming her baby through breastfeeding, so you thought it’s easy, because it’s the most natural thing to do. It is what babies and mothers do instinctively.

But that’s a hard truth about motherhood; breastfeeding can turn out to be the most difficult thing to do. While the baby might find it hard to latch on, your breasts might not produce enough milk to sustain the baby. You might find it difficult to get the right feeding position or you might find it hard to pump and leave it in bottles. This can leave you with an acute sense of worthlessness because you are struggling to do what is supposed to come naturally to a mother.

No one ever tells you breasfeeding can be a tough job and most mothers find it out the hard way. That’s why lactation experts are there to help you out. Also, keeping a baby 100 per cent on breast milk needs a lot of patience and effort. You will need the right nutrition to ensure you produce enough milk and be ready to be tied down to the baby 24X7. So this needs planning and patience. Meeting a lactation expert while you are pregnant is perhaps the best idea.

9. Mothers across all cultures can be controlling and toxic

There’s no doubt the toxic Indian mother-in-law has become famous through TV serials. What serials show is dramatic, but what they miss out is the modern, educated, intelligent mom can be more nuanced in her manipulation and control, who could be gaslighting you all your life, but you don’t get to know.

The fact that a mother only thinks about a child’s well-being is an absolute myth. Moms can be selfish enough to think about their own ends and control their children accordingly with the oft repeated phrase, “I only think of your well-being.”

Moms find it hard to step back, dissociate and let the child flower. They feel bound by an invisible umbilical cord. This is true in all cultures. There is no denying the fact that mothers have to make compromises and sacrifices to bring up their children. Sometimes the need for reciprocation of those feelings can take a difficult turn. That’s why so many mom-adult child relationships are turning awry these days.  

10. Motherhood can bring along frustration that you never felt before

It all starts with toddler tantrums, discipline strategies, sleep training failures and as the child grows up, the biggest modern challenge is regulating tech time. So there are days when all you will feel like is banging your head against the wall and crying over your failures as a mother.

You will realise that bringing up a child, especially in this tech-wired world today, is probably the most frustrating challenge that you have ever taken up in your life.

Your frustration can raise its head in unlikely places. Like we were at the supermarket and I was sitting on the bench outside with my toddler. The husband asked me to be with the baby and he would pick up the stuff. When he came out I was super angry because I wanted to do it, feel the simple joy of picking up the grocery. The fact, that I hadn’t had an uninterrupted run at the supermarket for months had got me frustrated.

It’s been years since then, now I can actually lounge around for hours at the supermarket. However, there are other issues, other reasons to be frustrated. Guess that becomes a part and parcel of motherhood. Like you work your life around your child, you learn to deal with your frustrations and treat them as minor hitches.